Should I Stay in or Leave My Abusive Marriage?
Does God want me to stay married to an abuser? Is abuse in marriage an acceptable reason for divorce? If I leave my abusive marriage can I get remarried?
This week on the Straight Truth Podcast, Dr. Richard Caldwell and host, Dr. Josh Philpot approach the subject of abuse in marriage. Dr. Philpot asks Dr. Caldwell how would he counsel someone, who is in an abusive situation in their marriage, about staying put or leaving the marriage with the possible outcome being divorce.
Dr. Caldwell tells us that we never want to encourage a person to stay, remain or return to a home where physical danger is present and ongoing. We need to be wise about how we approach situations where physical abuse is involved. Several factors have to be brought to bear on these particular circumstances. How pastors and elders in the church would shepherd and counsel one through these difficult times, would depend on each individual situation and set of circumstances.
The Power of God Can Transform and Restore Any Marriage
He goes on to say, however, that there is no sin that’s been committed in a marriage, where repentance takes place, that God can’t transform and restore the marriage. If there is going to be restoration where there was once physical danger, there needs to be a very careful set of parameters put in place. There need to be steps and proving points where one is able to demonstrate that they are different and that the Lord has changed them so that the marriage can be maintained. Dr. Caldwell assures us that the Bible is clear, restoration is possible and restoration does happen. He shares with us that the church he shepherds and it’s congregants have been witnesses of this in their congregation. They’ve seen enormous demonstrations of the power of God in transforming lives and restoring of marriages.
Dr. Philpot next brings up Dr. Caldwell’s high view of marriage. They discuss Dr. Caldwell’s view, and how he sees and understands what the Scriptures are teaching and how many would see these teachings as restrictive. This understanding is considered the minority view. He has spoken about it, written about it and preached on it in a recent series titled – Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage. Dr. Caldwell explains that even though this understanding is restrictive, he does believe there are biblical grounds for divorce.
For Some Marriages, There Are Certain Situations That Are Unsustainable
He sees 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 as holding out the possibility that for some marriages, there are certain situations that are just unsustainable. The Apostle Paul says there, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. Dr. Caldwell believes that this passage of scripture envisions particular situations where you cannot say to a person that it is wise for them to remain.
More importantly, though, we need to be focused on God’s design for marriage. It’s one man and one woman joined together covenantally before God for life. Marriage is a covenant until death, the death of one or the other is the only biblical release to remarry (e.g., Romans 7:2-3). We are to seek to maintain marriages and glorify God in them, and this will involve forgiveness. Asking for and granting it, even when some very serious sins have been committed.
Questions about staying in an abusive marriage. If my husband talked to me almost daily about me having no value in this world that everyone hated me and knew who I really was. Used my faith against me twisted words from the bible to manipulate and control me. Is this something I should continue to forgive? I tried family marriage counseling individual counseling for both of us he would never go and if he went to family counseling was a saint in front of the counselor and would go home and then start the verbal assaults and physical abuse in front of our children again is this right? Am I supposed to stay and forgive? 19 years I have dealt with this. He would tell me to kill myself because even the kids hated me and wished I was dead. I attempted suicide 2 times because of the constant crazy making he would talk. Am I not free to remarry if I have found a man who loves me and my children unconditionally? To this day he still tries to manipulate the kids against me every time there is a decision that doesn’t go his way he verbally assaults me. He has the youngest child scared to even speak the truth to him because they aren’t sure how he will react physically or verbally towards them. Is this ok? How do I protect my children and my self. Why would I be tied to a man who does nothing good never financially supports the children never talks nice to any of us except when he wants something or is getting his way. I believe the Lord spoke very clearly to me the day that I escaped another physical and verbal assault constant affairs hardly ever worked took our families money to buy drugs forced me to watch porn forced me into sexual acts with other people. I escaped thru the kitchen window and ran to the psychiatric hospital because I didn’t want to take my life but I felt like killing myself. Twice I ended up there because I went back after the first time where he promised to do better and get help and not more than a few weeks later was back to the same behavior but even harsher. I am still terrified of him and its been 6 years away from him the threats of physical harm and the emotional mental abuse still go on to this day. Why do I deserve to be loved and not in a covenant with this horrible person. Why don’t I deserve to be protected cared for by a husband who loves me why don’t I get to experience a real marriage? I’m so confused with all of this but it kind of makes me feel guilty like I should do more but there was no more to give of me. I believe the Lord set me free from that marriage I believe he wants me to know and experience the goodness of marriage because I have always dreamed of having a home a family a husband to serve and love. I am severely damaged mentally and emotionally. It has been a very hard battle to fight. I deal with a lot of CPTSD still to this day. I read and try to find inspiration insight understanding of all of this. My furry burns deep however because I watch my child suffer whenever they have to go there they come home lost downcast sucked dry if life. Body posture tone enthusiasm everything is different when they get home until I try to nurture them back to themselves and then they have to start the cycle again. There is nothing that the justice system does there is no one to help this is so wrong and so unhealthy for the children to live like this it’s so unhealthy for all of us to live like this. He’s stalked me blows up my phone even though the court has told him that he cant contact me directly thru my phone he violates all of the custody agreements never pays for anything tells the kids how all of this is my fault even went into court and told the judge that I abandoned the family for another man!! When I was living with my sister. There is so much more to this but I just don’t believe the Lord wants me to never remarry.